When I Was Younger I had a PC, and I used to watch it Defrag.

I have had two professional spa pedicures in my life before today. Both times I went with my sister, the second with my Mom as well. I have always felt strange, out of class, and awkward. I was grateful they still served tomboy, dreadfully casual, adult-children like myself. I sat stiffly and held my legs at what I thought would be a good angle for them. I looked at my hands in my lap or smiled shyly at the technician, or spaced out staring at their television with some not-so-new movie on, gaping mouth half open like the special education child I felt like.

I was no woman.

In the past two weeks I have done so many things I have never before done that I have lost track. Well, in order to lose track one must have attempted to keep it to begin with and it all came on me so slyly that I hardly had the forethought of "okay, here it is, ready… 1… 32… 84."

I cried, also, more times than I would have the ability to count. I cried the tears that were so bitter they registered a pH of 45. I cried the tears that wrench guts and require screaming and choking on gasps, and kicking the floor.

I sold or gave away nearly everything I owned. I cleaned my entire apartment alone. I said goodbye to people I haven't known all that long, I said goodbye to people who have made the most substantial differences in my more recent years, and I watched some of the people I've known forever not make the time to come and say goodbye to me. I closed accounts, opened new ones, quit a job I loved. I gave away all but one piece of my extensive collection of stuffed animals.

And today I went to a nail salon I had never been to, by myself, and felt… comfortable. More than just comfortable, I felt that I belonged there. I felt like, for the first time in my life, I could pick out my own toenail color. Today, I wasn't nervous trying to find the restroom at a nice restaurant that wasn't very well lit. Not a single moment of the day did I feel like I was in anyone's way. It was a very strange sensation today, namely like being an adult. It's honestly not just today, it's been creeping up on my posture, my stride, my speech patterns, and my playtime.

I have not been the irresponsible child one might think from this piece thus far. I just never wanted to quit "playing", in a very romp-around-the-park kind of way. I paid my bills, for 3 years now, held down a job, had a blossoming relationship, played house, and took care of a pet. But the child was always there; it was in the way I reacted, the silent fear of not belonging, of being alone, the discomfort and uncertainty of myself. And it was in playtime. I loved doing most things puppies love: running, chasing, being chased, biting, cuddling, running away, going for walks, etc. It was good times too.

I have a suspicion that those times are over, that the chapter has changed, and that while I may occasionally indulge in a game of chase, I am a grown up.

In short, what I have been trying to say is, I feel like a different person.

See you in NYC,

relinors